mybeautifulmigraine

We’ve had 2 marriage counseling visits and what’s weird? The counselor actually acknowledged my words. It was a bit of a shock (and not real obvious or anything but she asked if he could hear how his comment sounded like an attack on me). This history with my Narc Mama really does make me assume everything IS my fault, I’m to blame, always. It’s my function.
It’s like… I’ve got to have that reality check in order to perceive truth.

Idk.
He will just NOT stop with the money thing. The truth is this situation WILL only be a COUPLE OF YEARS! I mean, isn’t EVERYONE carrying CC debt right now?? Christ. The inflation is a wreck and we have THREE in college. But one will graduate 5/2023 or 12/2023. That WILL make a difference! And if it doesn’t? I’ll get a job! We can make it work. How do I know? Because we always have! We have over 30 years of trials and tribulations, heartbreak and joy, and TOUGH TOUGH times. Times MUCH darker than this! And we have never not persevered. But this is a time like we’ve never experienced; it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Have a shred of FAITH and LIVE and LOVE in this sacred MOMENT we are gifted. God is so good; God is so good. And he always provides. Always. And that stress? That fear? That internal turmoil aging him – making the bags under his eyes black, and giving him a haunted, ill-favored, ghastly countenance? That fear eats him alive while God holds out his hand for him, to comfort him, to trust him. But Marc won’t take it; he’ll feast on the empty shadows created on the wall of the cave, (as in the Allegory of Plato’s Cave) he won’t turn around to see the truth in the Sun.

He is determined to drive me to kill myself. Because let’s face it, I am absolutely worth more dead than alive. And won’t that be great? He’ll have his True Freedom: no debt. The lack of wife and life partner is easily filled with a more productive female – there are hundreds, who are healthy and capable of income and productivity. I get excited just thinking of his prospects! He will do just great! And I will watch my children’s lives from behind the Veil – actually, that’s not all that different from my ability and involvement at present! I will visit them in their dreams. I will whisper to them my love. I will be a tiny part of their children’s silliness, a giggle, a facial expression. Nothing will keep me from them. Marc, as it turns out … he will move on and be a-ok. My children will be where my heart lingers. We had such a Great Love Story. I truly believed it. He probably did too. But he cannot get out of his way to enjoy the MOMENT that will never come again. I pray he finds the help I am unable to provide. Because MONEY? Lol, that is NOT the problem. He is having a crisis of Faith. He is having a crisis of situational anxiety. He has forgotten how to Laugh, how to Love. And it splinters my heart seeing him so MISERABLE and emotionally impotent, so faithless. And yet, so determined to place my heart beneath his boot heel and crush and shatter, flatten and obliterate the remnants of Me. What is left of Me that Chronic Illness hasn’t yet erased.

Many times, I try to bring him back to Reality: Dude, my parents are actually going to DIE at some point. And this was how my large family afforded college! My grandfather (RIP) died and left my father the money.
Sure, my husband’s parents haven’t been so helpful. Their deaths have left us nothing but bills and some leftover baby aspirin, but shit, mine have a nest egg.

I remind him, we just do NOT know what the future holds and fighting now and subtly encouraging me to OD on street fentanyl does not personify living and loving in the MOMENT. Being smart about spending is wise. And I remind him of the truth: we don’t take vacations. None. We do not go anywhere: the movies, museums, clubs, events. We do no home improvements (even though they are desperately needed) – we “make do!” We have no new appliances, or cars. We don’t buy plastic surgeries, or gamble, or even go out to dinner or concerts. We have given our children nothing of significant money value – only straightened teeth and college (and they pay for a part!). No cars, no trips, no lavish gifts of any kind. Nothing.

Our counseling homework last week was to make (yet another!) budget for our next session. His requirement is to curtail SPENDING, rather than INCREASE INCOME. Got it! (And this budget stuff is a laugh. I’ve been budgeting for decades. DECADES. The only problem is we just do not make enough to cover expenses. Sadly, when I budgeted years ago, I assumed his income would grow faster than it has in reality. And of course I anticipated being able to bring in a better income. I also, planned for his single income while I was a SAHM and raising babies. He never made enough. So when we would take that obligatory biyearly trip to visit family (not even close to a “vacation”😒), there was NOTHING – $0 – in our budget for 6 plane tickets and no family that welcomed us to stay. I tried to explain this but he didn’t want to hear. I tried also to explain the importance of a handful of frugal family vacations and their importance. He agreed and loved them, but I don’t think he understood. Again. The budget did not stretch for these things. Ever. Unless I worked. And my silly salary (as I called it) did not cover childcare. Ever. That’s when health troubles started for me too. I am sure the unsafe decision to have my 12 year old watch his 3 siblings and me “parent via cellphone” took ages off my life and was the catalyst for the more serious health issues to come. As a mother, you cannot leave your children in unsafe situations for hours of the day and not have it take it’s toll. There is always a price. Both our parents could have helped, both had better things to do than grandchild care. Marc was okay with the situation but I became desperate and despairing. And no one cared. No one. I was completely alone and desperate. And what does this have to do with our present situation? Absolutely nothing. And everything too.

And back to the present day, I have been feeling a little better, a little sunnier, a little more optimistic – even happy – of late. With this energy, I’ve been working on listing ebay because I have a ton to sell and it is SO HARD for me with my health, so I was all PROUD of a sale😁! I came to him 2 days ago and said: I sold something on ebay so please transfer the $ to the CC… As he pulled up the account, he FLIPPED OUT. My sunshine was ended, just as quick as it had shown. He literally CRUSHED ME with his reaction. Crushed me. From my small space as the gray rock, I wept. I wept and could not stop. I wept for him, and for me. And for the whole world of pain.

Since he really wants to focus on LESS spending, not more income, I had told him just THAT DAY that I had found 4 expenses that I would forego, most of them were necessities for my chronic health, but he wants to cut costs, so. Let’s roll.

1) cancel my medical massage membership, which I rely on for mobility and health once a month.

2) cancel my audible membership. I can no longer read real books due to migraine, so audible has been a lifeline.

3) I would only buy hair 2x year, instead of 4. I have horrible alopecia from chronic conditions and medications.

4) I will also only indulge in the nail spa 4x year, rather than the 6-8 at present.

After another night alone and much much much weeping, I told him to cancel the housecleaner. This is the 5th spending cut. It’s another “sacrifice” for my health, but hey!, that’s what sacrifice means.

It took me awhile to arrive at this decision because I need Silvia SO much. I am in such bad physical shape; she is my lifesaver. She is oxygen. And I can no longer have her. Because Marc believes we cannot survive without cutting costs. More tears, more weeping. More realization of incredible LOSS.

He argued that we shouldn’t make that decision yet. And I do not understand. Are we cutting spending or what? And that’s why I’ve been SOBBING!!! Dude🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m ALONE AGAIN and going through the shit here with terrible LOSS and LOSS related to my HEALTH. These changes will change our lives significantly: no people over our home at all because I cant clean, less activity overall because I won’t have HAIR or a medical massage! He cannot even SEE the consequences.

The life I had clawed to establish from rubble is over. Again. And I am ALONE. Again. Desperately alone. Always alone.

I scroll through my contacts on my phone… A’s… D’s… H’s… R’s… there is NO ONE name. Not one. My heart is hollowed out, there are the prickles behind my eyes, my brain is cement… through it all I can feel one thing… pain. Wouldn’t a little slice make me feel a little alive right about now?

And I just wonder (it’s a nagging question) …. what will HE be giving up?🤔 Buuuut I don’t think he has ANYTHING to give up since I’m the ONE at fault here. The burden. The blight. Worth more dead than alive. After all my weeping and checklist of savings, he has the gaul to say: “Well, we don’t have to make that call yet, we should make up the budget first.”

Put a tourniquet around my heart. Pull it tight, use a windlass or twist stick to tighten the constriction. Tighter. Tighter.

All this because I SOLD SOMETHING and the money goes towards the CC. And then, as luck would have it, I sold 2 more things today. With these new life altering changes, I’m also closing my makeup biz. I’m ending the flipping and sales I was doing on ebay. The piles will sit or be dumped. It’s over. I’m over. Tighter.

Is his goal that that I be MORE MISERABLE than him? Does he want me to off myself? Does he want to divorce me? Tighter.

He says: “Nooooo I love you, honey.”

Love? Love? Love. Love. Love. Tighter. Alone. Desperate. Always… Alone. LOVE.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

He was my best friend, my soul mate, my confident. He’d seen my dark side and loved me. He reminded me: “Remember when I used to get those little gifts for you?” Yes, I remember. Was that when you loved me? He points out something he used to do to show love and he can’t even see that he doesn’t do it anymore. He hasn’t for decades. Can he hear himself?

I thought Love would last forever. I was wrong.

Tighter. Broken. Burden. Blight. Love.

She made broken look Beautiful,

And strong look Invincible.

She walked with the Universe

On her shoulders and

Made it look like Wings.

– Ariana Dancu