The Day My Botox Appointment Went Weird.

Monday started. It was Botox Day!๐ŸŽ‰ Which is akin to Christmas morning for a Normal. It’s a BIG flippin’ dealio.

I’ve been looking forward to this day for weeks…since my magic juice ran out ~2-4 weeks ago. I’ve been a Botox regimen patient and going every 12 weeks for Botox injections for migraine prevention for seven years.

When I woke Monday, I had my old pal Pathologic Lethargy saddled up next to my psyche. Sigh. Moving through quicksand in a body full of lead. I muscled through getting ready (shower, hair, makeup), made my protein shake, got in the car and drove to Austin Neurocare. I sang the whole way (Twenty-one Pilots, Imagine Dragons and more) and enjoyed my smoothie.

Arrived on time.

Filled out my Return Patient Form. Took my #WaitingRoomShoePic. Posted to Facebook. Nurse Mary took me back, same intake as always, gave me my gown and left to get Botox.

I had a migraine budding as well as my Pathologic Lethargy. Hence, I was wearing my new pair of Axon Optics I snagged recently on eBay for $75. My back was being a bastard and I had medicated.

Mariah came in the room and we chatted. Small talk about our families and migraine. Then it was time for injections. Nothing unusual.

As usual, I relaxed into my procedure and Mariah poked away. We continued to chat.

But something wasn’t right. I wasn’t feeling right. Mariah moved around to do my forehead. I closed my eyes as usual and followed her directions about frowning. She was done the forehead. I opened my eyes. 

“Mariah I don’t think I’m ok,” I said nonchalantly, “I’m having tunnel vision.” I was covered in sweat already. 

She moved in front of me and calmly braced me from falling out of the chair. She spoke to me quietly and reassuringly.

I know I lost consciousness. She was taking my pulse the whole time. She was saying my name. Calling to me. “It happens all the time. But you’ve never had this reaction?”

“Absolutely not and I’m so sorry.” She assured me there was no need. But I kept apologizing: “I know you have lots of patients; I’m taking too long.” 

My BP was never less than 120/80 which is higher for me. Mariah finished by injecting my jaw. My favorite spots.

This episode felt very similar to my panic attacks…almost identical. Which begs the question: why? Why a panic attack? Was it from migraine?

It took me so long to recover. I stayed in the room awhile. I walked to the waiting room and sat there until Mary suggested I make my next appointment.

I made my next appointment for Botox, got in my car and waited. Then I made the difficult drive home. I was ready to pull over and vomit. But I made it. Couldn’t stop for mail or run an arrand. Made it home.

Crawled into bed. And stayed there. And then my day was done. So dumb.

When I posted about my odd appointment on Facebook:

Not so great today. First time in seven years I passed out cold. Made it home. Bed all day with ice. Chronic Migraines are so fun๐Ÿ˜„ Hope your Monday is shiny!๐Ÿ’œ

I received tons of kind, supportive and concerned comments. Which surprised me. Because to me, it was same ol’, same ol’ and not that exciting. Lol. 

Marc asked me later why I didn’t call him to pick me up. Um…I dunno… Probably because that would involve me asking for help. I don’t need help! Help is for other people! Doi!๐Ÿ˜œ

I’ve been dealing with less stable depression of late. Anxiety seems status quo. Sacroiliac is tantruming after being relatively quiet for weeks. I’m ridiculously overweight. I’m lonely. I’m feeling alone. I’m feeling irrelevant. Just part of the road I walk. Things are bothering me more. I’m working hard in EMDR with Shanna. More on that later. I described to Shanna: “It feels like I’m an open head wound walking around my life. More than usual.”


Changes

โ€‹”It never occurred to me that one day I’d wake up sick and never get better.”

September 26, 2016:

You constantly look back on events: was this the moment? Was this where things went off track? Then you’re face to face with decisions you can no longer ignore, becuz you’re life has become so impacted by this uninvited stranger. Who am I? What’s the most important things in this life? Are there others like me? Do I accept this? Fight? Cry victim? Struggle struggle struggle…fight fight fight…try everything to reclaim the person you once took advantage of being. And there are tears. You thought you knew about tears before… And there is pain – physical and emotional. You thought you knew about pain before… And there is surviving, just moment to moment. Survive; keep breathing, just move forward. And smile. Becuz you can still smile. So do it. Just do it.

#painawarenessmonth

#chronicthuglife

She wasn’t bitter. She was sad though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time.

In 2013 on this day I was having my third and final set of infusions at Austin Neurocare… My neuro had ordered them because she wanted to make sure I wasn’t in a migraine rebound. The infusions are Magnesium, Depacote, and a steroid. I remember being very hopeful with the treatment (as I always am). They didn’t really do anything. Infusions have never really helped me and I’ve never been in rebound.

Just feeling a bit overwhelmed today. Loneliness and Aloneness. My friends from Tucson threw a big party for one of our friends turning 50. I was not invited. Sure, it’s been 4 years since I moved away, we are probably growing apart and it’s ok and all. But I also wonder if my Chronic pain advocacy makes me harder to tolerate. Friends don’t know what to do with me. Why would they invite me? ๐Ÿ˜ฆ It’s not the same; they think I’ve changed. I’m sure I have. And they just don’t find me as appealing anymore.

Vulnerability


Confusion

Should I have become a mother? What made me think I could be a good one? There’s this small part of me that feels bad about passing down the migraine genetics, but then I also passed down beautiful lips and a great sense of humor and allergies to no foods.

I focus more on the emotional responsibilities. Have I hurt or ruined my children in a million small ways? Will they spend a lifetime trying to recover from the harm I’ve done? There are 2 parts to this: an obsessive inner voice that critisizes everything I do – every interaction or missed interaction, every word spoken or not spoken. But second – there is this larger presence…it sits above and looks down at the whole scene, it is impartial and reasonable and wise (above all, wise)…this presence tsks the smaller obsessive voice: “Don’t be ridiculous. Your children are rockin’! They are healthy (no mental or eating disorders), they are independent, they are kind, they love, they have passion, they know their parents LOVE them.”

Always a struggle between these 2 voices. I’ve been told before that because I question my parenting, it means I’m a better parent than I realize. They said, not-so-good or bad parents don’t question their parenting; they think they’re doing an awesome job. Or they think they’re doing it right. Sometimes when I become obsessive, it’s a sign my Depression is mounting. And that realization has me anxious. Sneak attacks by Depression. 

One time my mom and I were driving to Phoenix together. We were discussing my mental health and she said, “I know what your problem is, Donna. You worry too much.” I thought about that. I do worry sometimes…maybe even often. But I told her I don’t think WORRY is my main problem. I told her I thought it was her main problem, but mine was more self deprecation and loathing and guilt. It’s possible I’m wrong about it all. I’ve been wrong before.

The goal of this integrated EMDR is to treat my underlying confusion and hopefully that will in turn help better process my pain. I’m working. Hard.

Also still working on a migraine video project. It’ll probably suck but I’ll be pleased I made the effort to create. 

There is more power in being vulnerable and authentic. “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” (Brene Brown)


“Bleed Out”


Close my eyes 
Feel you sigh 
A desperate aching wonder 
Will you ever, ever let me off my knees?

Wide awake 
Like a dream 
As simple as a secret 
Being told, told to everyone but me 

Will I 
Bleed out 
I gave it all 
But you can’t stop taking from me 
And way down I know 
You know where to cut me 
With your eyes closed 
Bleed out 
It won’t be long 
til this heart stops beating 
So don’t let me 
bleed out here alone 
Hear my plea 
you won’t hear my plea 

Sudden rain 
Coming down 
It all comes back to me 
Waking up, falling down 

Another day 
Come undone 
I keep trying to heal your pain 
In return, you cut me over and over 
One more time and I will 

Bleed out 
I gave it all 
But you can’t stop taking from me 
And way down I know 
You know where to cut me 
With your eyes closed 
Bleed out 
It won’t be long 
til my heart stops beating 
So don’t let me 
Don’t leave me
bleeding alone 

I finally feel like I’m supposed to be, yeah, oh 
Don’t you take this moment away from me 
but before you kill me wont you 
wont you look back in my eyes and watch me 

Bleed out 
I gave it all 
But you can’t stop taking from me 
And way down I know 
You know where to cut me 
With your eyes closed 
Bleed out 
It won’t be long 
til my heart stops beating 
So don’t leave me don’t let me 
bleed out here alone 
hear my plea 

Bleed out 
I gave it all 
But you can’t stop taking from me 
And way down I know 
You know where to cut me 
With your eyes closed 
Bleed out 
It won’t be long 
til this heart stops beating 
So don’t leave me don’t let me 
bleed out here alone

September is Pain Awareness Month

I love when it’s #PainAwarenessMonth and my body is trying to overachieve, and it’s only day 3 – said no Chronic Migraineur ever.

#PAM2017

#ChronicMigraine

#MyBeautifulMigraine 

#RheumatoidArthritis #RA
And I can’t really muster more than that. All day. Just all day. Left side…deep behind eyebrow. Symptoms rendering me useless. Just. So. Stupid.