Let’s play a game:

Make 9 triptans last 1 month. Wheeeeee!

The political landscape of America right now is appalling.

I’ve tried to keep my feelings to myself, I’ve tried to joke, I’ve tried compassion and communication, I’ve tried to be hopeful. But everyone on social media is so rude and egocentric. It’s absolutely painful to be living thru this now.

I apologise to my kids for grown people’s behavior, for protests I don’t understand and are senseless, for media that can’t be believed, for angry words among friends. I’ve apologized to Ken and Courtney that this was their first election. How tragic.

There was no winner in this election. I have always felt when it came down to 2 candidates (and a 3rd party Libertarian) that every one of them was completely unacceptable. The 2 candidates were foul human beings, and one of the 2 I could absolutely NOT pull the lever for.

Despite the way *I* voted, there was a winner. This is the beauty of democracy. This is the way our country works. The result of the election made half our country freaking INSANE. INSANE. Protests and riots. For what? Becuz you didn’t get your way? Becuz you’re scared of the candidate who won? Becuz you’re frightened human rights MAY be abused or ended, even though there is absolutely no evidence of it? Protesting makes no sense. Absolutely none. And quite honestly, peaceful protest is great but the potential to turn violent terrifies me – especially on UT campus where there are very likely substances involved.

I want to like my friends again. I want this ugliness to stop. And there are NO signs of it even slowing down.

One of my good friends confronted me recently. I believe she found one of my “funny” posts to be insulting. More than that, she spoke openly about her deep FEAR with this new POTUS. Now, I understand FEAR. And more so, becuz I have BEEN THERE. When Obama was elected, I was crestfallen. Not becuz of the color if his skin (which is a non issue) but becuz of his policy plans. I was upset. I was scared. I did not protest and any pouting I did lasted about 2 days. I made a simple statement in Facebook after the election: “Our children 😔” and I was slammed with comments that belittled my feelings – “your children will grow up in a wonderful world.” Etc.

The Affordable Care Act was a complete disaster! Not one doctor I spoke with liked it, it was NOT affordable and the coverage sucked. It also began affecting private insurance (ours) coverage.

Now in our discussion, this aforementioned good friend told me she was not at all scared about Obama or Hillary at all. Great. But then I began to tell her how many of my Obama fears…Became reality. Marc was laid off a few days before Christmas as an entire site was shut down in Tucson. We were very blessed to get 6 months severance and insurance (6 months or less if he got a job in that time). 

Now, anyone in their late 30’s with a family of four children can understand that absolute TERROR we experienced. We had just bought another home as our first home no longer fit us all. We faced Christmas with no employment. It was terrifying. I immediately went back to work. We took many deep breaths. We cried a lot. We tried to keep our faith.

As it would happen, Marc DID find another job in 2 months and we did survive. I continued to work part-time to make our family ends meet but my health was in a steady decline: Chronic Migraines and as yet undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. Becuz money was so tight, I admit to leaving my kids to fend for themselves; clearly an unsafe situation. A 5 year old Robyn would come home to an empty house 2-5 days a week during school. Her brothers, ages 7, 9, 10 would join her 40 minutes later. Even tho I had cleared the time at work, I was forbidden to leave to see my daughter’s kindergarten graduation becuz a co-worker called out sick. That kind of shit stays with you – forever. Anyway, when school was out for summer, I could not afford childcare and I left my children home completely alone at ages 5, 7, 9, and 11 for 2-5 days a week. I had neighbors who could help out, but it was completely unreliable and I believe they resented me for it. My parents were no where to help, as usual.

Anyway, time went on and Marc ended up leaving that job for a better one at Cirrus. I continued part-time and continued to get sicker. My children got older, thank god, and I was less guilty leaving them for hours and hours.

The economy was shite. The war on Terror continued. We were time and again disappointed with our POTUS. Somewhere in his terms the Tea Party movement and Occupy Wall Street happened. I was not a part of any of that. Too busy with family, job and health.

On election day for Obama’s second term, Cirrus Logic closed its entire Tucson operation. We were one of the lucky 15 to be offered a relocation package to Austin TX. We considered our options: the economy was closing in around our ears in Tucson – tech was leaving the once blossoming city. The housing bubble had burst and hit Arizona HARD. Many of our friends – just packed up and left their homes for rentals or moves. They didn’t even attempt to sell their homes becuz their mortgages were so upside-down. Just disappeared. We had so many foreclosures in our neighborhood. It was a scary time.

We knew that Austin was a growing city, much less affected by the housing bubble. It was getting a reputation as the new Silicone Valley. We had our children and their futures to consider. With our kids in 9th, 7th, 5th and 4th grade, we took the relocation package. We were able to sell our home in 5 months but lost every cent in equity. A loss of $150,000. The company paid for our move but with house prices so much higher in Austin, we needed to liquidate all our savings (retirement, kids’ college) to purchase a home in a nice community of the school district we decided was best for our kids. Our home was not big, our neighborhood was middle class – not affluent. Although most of the district is quite affluent. We were the “white trash” moving in (and I don’t use that word to denote race, just a term of definition). I thought I’d be able to work again in Texas but I was wrong. My health continued to decline. Efforts to file for disability are underway but are not progressing in a positive direction at all. Lost everything, and now in such debt that I can’t even admit the amount.

When I told my good friend about these fears AND horrible outcomes, she completely ignored my feelings: “I was not scared of Obama or Hillary at all. But I am terrified of Trump. He could make decisions that impact people I care about.” Yeah. I get that. I get YOU ARE AFRAID. And when I was afraid? Pfffft. I was told the world would be a fucking magical unicorn and hope and change place for my kids. Wrong.

Soooo, apparently some of my funny or ironic or satirical posts and comments are hurting those who have REAL FEARS. I apologized profusely. I would never want to make fun of someone’s fear. That’s disgusting. 

But here’s the thing…She never said she was sorry for me. Nope. I guess I’m the big bad Bad-ie. Nice. She never acknowledged my fears, my tragedies. So at this time with this POTUS, I just can’t be afraid anymore? Know why? Cuz some pretty fucking horrible things have already happened to us. Can it get worse? Well NOT financially. So that’s great.

So I’m choosing HOPE. I’m choosing community, laughter, love and hope. I refuse to be afraid of what MIGHT happen. I don’t want to take part in protests about human rights that MIGHT be offended. That makes no sense. But, if I EVER see a human right being taken away, you BET I’ll protest.

So….Here’s the deal: becuz I’m choosing HOPE, community, laughter and LOVE, I’m being accused of not RESPECTING other’s feelings. 

It makes no sense. It is the most ugly I have even seen our country.

^^^ This. This.

Apparently, the respect only goes one way becuz anyone hopeful is “stupid” or not sensitive to other’s feelings.

So…I’ve got to shut it all up. Shut it all out. Keep my fucking hope to myself – and my humor and my love. Becuz it’s OFFENDING people…And in this day and age, we must tread perfectly NOT to offend anyone. But really only anyone liberal. Conservatives and Libertarians are fair game. I’ve set my settings to unfollow my friends who are particularly butt-hurt and post offensive and combative and hateful stuff.

This is sadder than the days following 9/11. Where is my country? What has happened to her people? Sheeple and egocentric. Unrecognizable. Disgraceful. So sure only their opinions are the way things should be. Unable to look at anything without prejudice – although they spout Black Lives Matter – they are the most prejudice people I’ve ever experienced. And if another Canadian posts something about OUR political state, I’m gonna throat punch. Who do they think they are?

So, this was our exchange. First her:

I wasn’t a Bush fan, and I’m not a sore loser. As a matter of fact I get democracy. Every few years we change over. And it’s how it works. It’s usually kinda a relief. Because everyone hate “your” president and then at least you don’t have to hear people bitching about the guy or girl you like. This time it’s different. The whole thing was different. And scary to me. And a lot at stake. I fear for my children. I am appalled that people are so disrespectful towards those of us that are upset about this. It is personal. It impacts some of us in really personal ways. I’m afraid to open my mouth about how I really feel. People are so angry, you can’t even say hey I Liked Obama. No one will allow it, yet when he was elected people pounced on him, called him a lier, said he wasn’t a citizen. And now we are listening to a man who’s blaiming the press for things that he said on tape? Our president. He’s our president now. I accept that. But it makes me sad. Really sad. And one of the reasons is because it’s hurting my relationships. It has. And that is sooo sad to me.
But I would take Bush now. When I saw him. I looked at him longingly. I though oh yeah, that’s what it was like to get the guy you didn’t really want but knew was going to do his job.
So where do I go with this now? I’m gonna go to PA and not stay in my moms house. I’m gonna avoid talking politics forever? I don’t know that at 50 I can do it anymore.
I’m tired of it Donna.

My response:

Bush was a good human. He was. I respect good humans.

I was actually more terrified by Obama and Hillary. I mean, there was NO winner this time. This was an absolute disaster. Neither candidate (including the THIRD party) was acceptable. None. I’m a flaming feminist and Hillary was NOT my girl. 

But I feel attacked for expressing hope at this point. Like, the election HAPPENED. It’s done; we CANT change it. I just want to have my friends not calling me stupid and a traitor and horrible things. I understand fear. I get sore feelings. I am a healer. I want to heal people. I’ve been scared out of my wit’s before (9/11 scared) and I just don’t feel like we are there now. We’ve got a MESS now. A MESS. We have GOT to stick together. Or we’re lost. And I don’t understand how walking around with pussy hats on is productive. 

We’ve got to make lemonade. We can. I believe in the US. My nephew is out there fighting for freedom. We have to do our part. 

How about feeding the homeless instead of marching with vagina hats? 

We can DO THIS. It’s in our hands. I’m so eager to heal. Heal.

I saw those buildings from the horizon of my childhood fall down, thousands of innocents murdered. That day, none of us knew when the attacks would stop. How BIG was this war? Would Chicago, Phoenix, LA be next? A week after that, we came together. It didn’t matter about race, religion, gender. We watched out for each other.

I’m rambling.

The negativity is killing me. I can’t give in to fear and I WILL fight for what’s right, and protect the rights of all. But I long for safety and healing and peace….And community…Above all, community.❤

Please don’t be mad at me. I love you so so much. And I don’t want you to feel like I’m attacking you or anyone. I’m a person who loves all people.

Her response:

I’m upset not mad. I had a friend that was a republican and always was rude to me about everything political. 

I didn’t feel terrified at all by Obama. Not at all. And I’m not a dumb or uninformed person. And I do believe that one of the things that has happened is that we all are getting news from sources that are skewed towards what and who we like. And that has divided us. I hate that. 

I also think both Hilary and Bernie would have fought for us. I think the other republican candidates would have done stuff too. I would not have agreed with a lot of it. But that’s how it works. 

Protesting is normal. Its not for nothing. It happened when Obama got elected. It’s always happened. 

I don’t think that trump has a clue how to deal with things like military. I pray someone will help him. The pussy hats? Woman’s rights are pretty important. And yeah let’s feed the homeless. I can’t wait to see how this guy helps with that. I’m not about fear either. I think trump wants us to be scared. That’s what I’m so against. And you and I are so much alike. I love people too. And you, I love you. We have to be careful right now. Feelings will get hurt. They just will. Everyone is fucking touchy. Everyone. In their own way. I don’t wanna offend and say trump is an asshole. I want him to do his job. But I don’t wanna be laughed at for my feelings. I have felt that. And I need to not feel that with my friends most of all. That’s the hardest part for me. I don’t have to like any of this. I don’t. It’s gonna happen anyway. But I need my friends to understand this shit hurts. It may seems stupid but it’s real.

My response:

I respect your feelings. Truly.

And, my god … Trump is an asshole. I mean, c’mon. As a flaming feminist, I’m ALL about women’s rights. ALL. And when I see them being attacked, you bet your balloons I’ll protest.

I’ll be honest: I’m being laughed at by people thinking this protest is wicked awesome. I’m worried. Peaceful is WONDERFUL. MLK lead that peaceful protest. But I have close friends in law enforcement and kids on campus. There are messages going out to wear bandanas over your face and collect rocks. I’m scared someone will get hurt. Washington was not peaceful. I don’t want anyone getting hurt. Campus kids are angry and drunk and that is a recipe for disaster.

I don’t see rights being taken away at this time. I don’t see it. (But maybe I am stupid – as I’m being called on FB. Gee, that’s nice.)

Also, I am furious at our joke media. Real anger. I believe they are absolutely dividing us AND repeatedly giving false information. It’s like you can trust NO media source. Everything is skewed. It’s so wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

About Obama. On the day of his second election, Marc’s company shut down. We were one of the few offered a relocation. In Obama’s first term, Marc was laid off at another company. Our fears about Obama were not stupid or baseless. Now, I realize they were OUR experiences and I am NOT saying anyone need share them. But we lost all our retirement and all our house equity. It was a difficult 8 years and I don’t know that we will ever recover. Also, becuz I was so affected by 9/11, I was also incredibly affected by 9/11/11. No one has ever been charged for murdering a US embassador. (Bin Ladin started his 9/11 plans by bombing our embassies in africa and….I can’t remember right now. Lol.) I wanted America to fight for our murdered people. 
Shit I’m rambling again.
Just know this: I respect your feelings, I want to help others heal in productive, supportive ways – not in divisive ways. I cherish friends with differing opinions. And truthfully, truthfully – I DONT think you and I actually have differing opinions!! Lol.

I will admit to being a flaming Libertarian and Feminist. But I am ridiculously pledged to the “letter of the law” with those stances.And I am so often attacked. No one likes me. 

I understand you are getting attacked. I see it. It’s happening on the other side just as ugly.

The whole thing…Is ugly. 

But we’ve made it thru very tough times of uncertainty before. We can make it.

And don’t get me started on the media….Fucking making opiates this DIRTY thing when people are dying from influenza. I’m so mad at the *wag the dog* media. 
And now I need more Pepto.
Peace and love, sweet one.

Oh and I like Ben Carson….And John Stossel. Lol

Her response:

Haha it’s insane. I absolutely hate politics. I hate it. Did I mention I HATE it.
It comes from a long long time of listening to people talk and get nowhere.
I don’t want politics or religion to get in the way of my friendships ever.

Me:

It’s such a farse.

Her:

It comes from a long long time of listening to people talk and get nowhere.
You and I could talk. It wouldn’t get us anywhere.
I don’t want politics or religion to get in the way of my friendships ever.

Me:

I find politicians amazing. They can talk forever and never answer a goddamn question.

….

Her:

I just can’t help but have feelings about this stuff right now because my boys are heavily invested in it. It’s way to hard for me to not have my heart in it. So I’m really touchy.
But I am struggling. I’m gonna try and stay off Facebook. I have to. It’s toxic.
I’m so much better when I’m not reading. Facebook isn’t news. It’s people spewing their thoughts. Which is fine. It’s good. It’s healthy to get your thoughts out. But there are no rules. And I hate that. I love rules. 😂

Finally I said:

Lol. Rules! 😂

Well I hope you can respect and understand I have raw feelings about this too and worry about my children and am incredibly sensitive as well. And know that I love you.

See this fear that’s created? Whether real or imagined, it doesn’t matter. It’s still powerful.

And her:

I can’t imagine you wouldn’t? That’s kinda where I’m at right now. I know some people are just giddy and happy. And yay them. I mean really ok yay. But it IS hard for me to believe that a mom, a woman wouldn’t have some concern right now about this change. Honestly? Our country was in a bad way when Bush tuned it over to Obama. He had some rough choices and he did turn things around. We are in a better place with unemployment, economy it’s proven that is factual even Fox News can’t deny that, but divided? Shit, that happened when this election got crazy. And “he” has a chance to change that. Why wouldn’t we be still feeling worried. He’s lying to us today, still. That’s inexcusable. 

But you and I Donna? Maybe for you and I? Let’s talk about just us and our feelings. The only thing is, as I get older, I feel stronger and stronger about being me. Like you know, this is me. And I don’t wanna offend anyone but I also want my real friends to know who I am. I’m so tired of changing me so people like me. I did that. For far too long. It’s not a good idea.

Really nothing more to say. I have to respect others by not being hopeful. Cool. So, I just sent a ❤ back.

It’s just unbelievable. I wouldn’t believe it if I didn’t live it. And sometimes I still don’t believe it then. I don’t care for this full-time job.

What I’ve felt:

Like being in a black box, and your feet can’t find the bottom…A bottomless, black box.

I can see myself – look down on my body and see how irrational I’m thinking, I want to slap myself, shake myself out of the stupor, but I cannot. It’s like I’m already a ghost.

And more than once…Hundreds of times…I’ve been so sad, so full of Despair, that I was sure I would stop breathing. Just stop breathing…And my life would end. Just cease.

Please do not alter this perfect message. Love is mightier than Hate. Always.