​A Half Life.

A Life of Moments.

Don’t think too much.

Stop blaming yourself.

Stop feeling Guilty.

You didn’t cause this – you don’t have that power.

Stop feeling like a Burden.

Stop feeling like a Freak.
But I cannot stop thinking or feeling.

It is all I have…in this Half Life of Moments.
I have my Guilt, I have my Shame…

And it is a Mighty Feast for one.
And my family…my greatest blessing…

My reason for living, for moving, for continuing to Breathe.

I am told they would not be better off without me. I am told that. I am asked, “Can’t you see that?”

And I’m afraid I cannot.
They deserve Freedom from the great weight that holds them down, requires their care.

They deserve so much more.
They deserve a Whole Life.

​(I wish I could have written this…it is so accurate and well described)
To Anyone Who Wonders How People With Migraine Push Through the Pain by Lisa Jacobson — Founder, The Daily Migraine
People constantly ask all of us, “How do you do it?”  YOU HAVE TO.  That’s it.  Very simple.  Just push through the sheer excruciating pain.  You have to work because you have to support yourself.  You have to take care of your kids because no one else can.  Drive-stop-vomit-drive-stop-vomit-repeat.
The challenge with chronic head pain is that it is invisible.  If you tell people you really hurt, then you are complaining.  We are disbelieved simply because we are women, and dismissed as having a “women’s disease.”  If we don’t tell people about our pain, then we are responsible for them not understanding we have a debilitating condition.
The physical hurts are unyielding.  The pain.  The numbness.  The weakness.  The dizziness.  The nausea. 
Yet the psychic hurts can feel much worse.  We are faking it.  We should take Tylenol and then be all better.  We must be doing something wrong.  “I used to have that and I did x, y and z, and I’m all better.”  It’s insulting and infuriating.
So what do you do when your current state has become a dark room, in bed, isolated from the world, life passing you by, and maybe the only living being that understands is your pet?
The most basic of prescriptions will get you through: Do what you need to do for you.  Stop caring about the naysayers.  Be your own priority.  Advocate for yourself.  Do the best you can.  Accept your limitations.  It’s not selfish to tend to your own health.  Get rid of those who refuse to support you.  Never stop trying new treatments.  Join an online support group.  Never give up hope.  Tomorrow is a new day with new treatments, new ideas and new inspiration, and maybe a pain-free day.
And don’t underestimate the power of the simplest thing of all: BREATHE.

July 7, I posted on Facebook:

Disclaimer: Hey friends, I think I’m losing my s*** today; too many days with migraine and RA flare has me flailing – like I need a straight jacket and padded room. Please excuse the barrage of migraine-related posts. It’s unknown: I could break down in tears at any moment or stop breathing from Despair. 

36 botox injections of the head, neck and jaw scheduled for Monday…please God, let me make it til Monday.

Wishing you all a pleasant Thursday…is it Thursday?…seriously, sending love. It’s all I’ve got.❤

I wasn’t expecting a whole lot. Some words of comfort. When I checked the post later, I couldn’t make my way thru it…becuz it was absolutely overwhelming.

The responses…I can’t believe them. I feel completely unworthy and overwhelmed.

You know I’ve reread this thread. How odd that my own mother never posted a word or ever reacted to the thread. Hmm.

Life is funny that way. The people who truly, truly know how to love you… just do it. 

I feel God holding me.💜

Melissa Dwyer’s birthday is July 13. She would have been 26. Most people don’t believe Migraines kill; but Chronic Migraines, if mismanaged and discounted by medical professionals, along with the enormous social stigma and misconception that surrounds the neurologic disorder, can absolutely send even the strongest soul into a fatal Despair.

I speak out, tell my story, spread awareness for Melissa.💜❤💜 I live for you, Melissa. I know you’ve finally found peace; and I am so grateful your suffering has ended. But we wanted you to stay…there is more to life than this Pain. 

Marc came.

His first time meeting, Anthony Peredi, my sacroiliac NP specialist. Although I’ve been in the practice over a year and a half.

Apparently I reacted really well to my last injections; nerve blocks – immediate relief but only for a few days, then the pain returns with a vengeance. This is exactly what I’ve been going thru.

So… next step… get insurance approval and have radio frequency  nerve ablation, lumbar/sacral. It may provide some relief for 6-12 months. They do one side. Wait two weeks and then do the other. It requires sedation. It’s gonna be a bigger deal. I’m scared, I’m happy, I’m exhausted.

The ones you wake with are humdingers. Saturday morning. My left frontal lobe is under insane pain. Meds and ice…please help. Lying in bed…sipping coffee.

It would be a luxurious Saturday morning scene were it not for My Beautiful Migraine. 

#MyBeautifulMigraine #ChronicMigraine #ChronicThugLife