Posted on by MyBeautifulMigraine

The big L

Forever determined to show up—for others, for myself, for my life. Even when chronic illness changes the way that happens, the intention stays the same: to be present, to care, and to keep choosing connection.

Get UP.

Get DRESSED.

Show UP.

And NEVER GIVE UP!

Marc came to me this weekend, took my hand, looked me kindly in the eye, and said I needed to end my business; after 3 years, it hasn’t been financially beneficial. This came out of left field. And I just sat there … listening to him, tears leaking out of my eyes. Of course he’s right, I know it – I truly suck as a businesswoman. This isn’t a secret. I know it, he knows it. But that was never my primary WHY. My business makes me feel so much purpose: to serve women, to be involved in something bigger than how small my world has become. I’ve been working so hard, every single day – often from my bed – to create building blocks. I’ve pushed myself beyond limits I thought I had. I’ve dreamed. I’ve troubleshooted. I’ve been creative. I’ve been super frustrated. But I’ve had such joy. I’ve spoken to myself kindly, and I’ve never given up – “one foot in front of the other” every single day. And through it all, I’ve had only one, ONE person, who believed in me; only ONE single PERSON in the whole world who took this journey WITH me, cheered me on, helped me. He’s actually the reason I started this business in the first place; he wanted me to do this! Not any of my friends, not any of my family, never a mentor, no one, NO ONE, but him.

And now… he’s dipping out.

What am I feeling? Depression, stupidity, failure, foolishness, embarrassment, smallness, silliness, so much grief and sadness, even a bit of betrayal? I feel like here we go again, another fail in a long list of life failures. I don’t know. We’ll have to have more and more and more talks. What if I tell him, No, I want to keep going – my WHY means too much for me? … even without his support?

I just do not know. And it’s honestly boring to exist in such a STUPID state of self-absorbtion and self-pity. BORING and embarrassing! I do not like being here. Shame and isolation… there you ARE, I see you, old friends! Welcome home and back into my soul, my shadow, and my brain. It’s been a minute. We’ll get to know each other again.🫂

Am I seeking pity? Encouragement? An atta-boy? Nah, I think I just want to crawl into a hole and wallow all by myself. Alone is my safe place to be. I never take myself very seriously, I’m a goofball, a little zany, a spaz …. but I AM always authentically ME.

I had a WHY that was so crystal clear and personal and so important to me, gave me intention and made me very proud. These things happen. Sometimes, you can’t spin it – you just have to own it. And I’ll let it stand here in my heart, perfectly imperfect. As the kids say, the Diva Donna cabi … is just lame and another fail.

It’s about JOY!
I just feel so … so … stupid.

Posted on by MyBeautifulMigraine

Under the Blubber

My son is going through a terrible mental trial right now. It has affected his health, and he’s gained weight. He started slipping away and into a mask when he was 15/16. He is 22 now. I became quite alarmed during covid lockdown as he seemed to be getting worse – more distant and disengaged. We made him connect with a counselor in January 2020, and he admits she saved his life when we could not.

He has bottomed out as far as self worth. And it affected his college grades very negatively. He lost his major, he lost his job. But he is still facing each day and the demons of depression and anxiety. Friends and family have sent him encouraging letters, we’ve worked with him daily, weekly, with his self worth, screaming the message that he is worthy and things will get better.

He says he’s doing well with grades this semester and he continues working with his counselor. He is no longer self harming but has a lot of weight to lose – for his health and for his self esteem.

Tonight my mom asked how he was doing. I told her he wears his unhappiness on the outside. She said: “He really is such a good looking guy – under that blubber.”

Wow. Lady. I sometimes think my kids would be better off with no grandparents at all. Jesus, do people even hear themselves?

I’ve spent a lifetime trying to protect them, love them, learn about their unique souls, their dreams, their passions. I’ve tried to keep them alive and grow into good humans. All the while… I need to protect them from hearing horrible insults from people who are supposed to love them.

And my mother had WONDERFUL grandparents! They adored her and spoiled her. They were very special people in her life! How does that even make any sense?

Sometimes I lament aloud with my peers about how difficult life has been with my mother. I can always count on someone in the room countering my lament with something like: “Oh you are so lucky to have a mother! I would give anything just to have 5 more minutes with my mother.” (Because their wonderful mother died from a horrible illness when they were like 10, or something. *Roll eyes*) Gah, take MY mother! Please!

#Depression #Anxiety #mentalhealth #mothering