Under the Blubber

My son is going through a terrible mental trial right now. It has affected his health and he’s gained weight. He started slipping away and into a mask when he was 15/16. He is 22 now. I became quite alarmed during covid lockdown as he seemed to be getting worse – more distantand disengaged. We made him connect with a counselor in January 2020 and he admits she saved his life when we could not.

He has bottomed out as far as self worth. And it affected his college grades very negatively. He lost his major, he lost his job. But he is still facing each day and the demons of depression and anxiety. Friends and family have sent him encouraging letters, we’ve worked with him daily, weekly, with his self worth, screaming the message that he is worthy and things will get better.

He says he’s doing well with grades this semester and he continues working with his counselor. He is no longer self harming but has a lot of weight to lose – for his health and for his self esteem.

Tonight my mom asked how he was doing. I told her he wears his unhappiness on the outside. She said: “He really is such a good looking guy – under that blubber.”

Wow. Lady. I sometimes think my kids would be better off with no grandparents at all. Jesus, do people even hear themselves?

I’ve spent a lifetime trying to protect them, love them, learn about their unique souls, their dreams, their passions. I’ve tried to keep them alive and grow into good humans. All the while… I need to protect them from hearing horrible insults from people who are supposed to love them.

And my mother had WONDERFUL grandparents! They adored her and spoiled her. They were very special people in her life! How does that even make any sense?

Sometimes I lament aloud with my peers about how difficult life has been with my mother. I can always count on someone in the room countering my lament with something like: “Oh you are so lucky to have a mother! I would give anything just to have 5 more minutes with my mother.” (Because their wonderful mother died from a horrible illness when they were like 10, or something. *Roll eyes*) Gah, take MY mother! Please!

#Depression #Anxiety #mentalhealth #mothering