A job?

My ongoing struggle…
*Sense of loss of identity and purpose and worth
*Inability to contribute financially for our large family

I’m trying a new kind of “job”… almost completely online… marketing this beautiful, high end cosmetic almost entirely thru social media/website. It’s no RN position 😦 but truthfully, I don’t think I could even perform RN phone triage with any stability with the way my #ChronicThugLife is now.
This ” job” is different…another passion of mine: cosmetics❤ One of my most important creeds is: “It is better to look good than feel good.” Lol.
I even have my OWN domain (very proud!)

I do love cosmetics and as a makeup geek, I’ve tried them all. Younique (Direct Sales) has blown the other brands away for me – so it’s a passion of something I can believe wholeheartedly in❤ Kinda kismet, huh?

There’s no real money in this “job,” unfortunately… Maybe only ~$200 a month?? I don’t have the ability to physically make Younique a successful career like a “Black Y Sister” status. I’m just too damn sick and unreliable health-wise.
Soooo… I’m in bed today…just given myself a Sumavel shot for massive migraine (8/10) but I’m “working” on my phone…running a “virtual” party on Facebook and creating sales graphics.



So very glamorous, eh??

Yesterday, I was able to RALLY for an hour (thanks to meds controlling RA, SI flare and migraine) and create a videos for my “job.” I edited in bed and I’m rather proud of the results!

YouTube: Younique BonBons http://www.TheDivaDonna.com


YouTube: Younique Moodstruck Fiber Lash+ EASY TUTORIAL http://www.TheDivaDonna.com


I also have a Younique VIP Customer Page! Yay, me!!


Migraine and Suicide: Clearly It’s Not Just a Headache, Jamie Sanders March 30, 2016

On the two occasions when I attempted suicide, I remember feeling:  everyone else would be better off without me in their life.

I was traumatized, exhausted and depressed from unrelenting emotional and physical pain.  I just wanted it to end.  Those were very difficult times and Migraine was a big part of them. The guilt tore at my conscience every minute of the day.  It took a lot of counseling and being on an antidepressant to help get me back on track.

Few really understand the relationship between migraine and suicide.  Clearly, it’s not just a bad headache that will pass by morning.  Suicidal thoughts are often a product of Migraine attacks. We know that Migraine is comorbid (occurs with) anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder which can overload an already emotionally stressed individual with Migraine. It’s a Catch 22 of sorts.

While Suicide and Migraine are both quite prevalent, people with migraines are at much higher risk.

Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the United States based on national statistics in 2007.Migraine is the 12th most disabling disorder in the United States and affects more than 37 million people.Americans who have Migraine with aura are three times more likely to attempt suicide compared to those with no Migraine, whether or not major depression is also present..

Suicide can seem like an only way out when one is experiencing constant debilitating pain with no successful treatment.  It’s very common for those of us whose life consists of these daily Migraine attacks to feel like we’re at a loss.  We feel beat up, chewed up and spit out by chronic migraines.  Hopelessness often can creep into our daily thoughts.

Although we may have supporters, many do not. And since we suffer from an invisible illness – we look like healthy, normal people to everyone else – it makes dealing with it that much harder.  We begin to feel transparent.  Migraine to me is an unrecognizable burden that I carry, which makes the depression and anxiety ever more prevalent.  Over the years I have found myself up at night in pain and in tears feeling like there is no way that I can go through another day like this.  I feel tired.  I feel worn out.  I feel used up.  It does become a challenge sometimes to push through those feelings, but it gets hard when I feel bombarded by every emotion a human being is capable of feeling. Having two very stigmatized diseases is a very hard and heavy burden to carry. Imagine what it feels like to live with so many misconceptions and falsities on a daily basis.

Migraine Stigma 

Migraine Stigma 

Migraineurs represent one of the most stigmatized groups in society.
*Seen as complainers, hypochondriacs, weaklings or lazy.
*Seen as having “just a headache”.
*Chronic sufferers experience worse stigma than episodic sufferers.
*Results in depression, anxiety, decreased quality of life, and disruption of social relationships.

Mental Illness Stigma

*People assume you are unstable, violent or dangerous because of having a mental health condition.
*Lack of understanding by family, friends, colleagues or others you know.
*Health insurance that doesn’t adequately cover your mental illness.
*Major Depression Disorder (MDD) is the most common mood disorder and largely misunderstood.

Personally, I’ve been riding the constant emotional roller coaster of pain for close to 30 years and have been given false hope time and time again.  I don’t want to put my body or mind through anymore unsuccessful treatments.  It’s daunting to feel as if there will never be a long-term treatment for me. Still, I go on.  I continue to go to counseling and take an antidepressant for my depression and anxiety.  Thankfully, both are in remission and I am in a good place, even with almost daily Migraines.

You can read more about my last suicide attempt here –Almost Dying.

Suicide is a very real possibility and more people should talk about it.  Having those feelings are nothing to be ashamed about.  It’s when you don’t speak about it that it becomes a very dangerous reality.  I’m sure that there are many people out there who have attempted unsuccessfully but are ashamed to talk about it.  Just know that you aren’t alone.  Anyone with a chronic illness is susceptible to this.  Know this…we see you and we understand you.  Stay strong, fight and keep your eye on the light at the end of your tunnel, no matter how small it may be.

To learn more about the comorbidity of Migraine, Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), and suicide, please read my blog post Stigma of Migraine and Suicide.

The last thing that most people expect is that they will run out of reasons to live. But if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you need to know that you’re not alone. By some estimates, as many as one in six people will become seriously suicidal at some point in their lives.

Attributing article from @MigraineAgain:http://migraineagain.com/migraine-and-suicide-clearly-its-not-just-a-headache/

And a “Good Morning!” to you…

I wake up quite suddenly at 0500. There is a squeezing in my brain; fluctuations all throughout that head. I’ve felt it so many times before but I always doubt myself… It is The Superpower: Detection of Barometric Pressure Change…there are Fluctuations in Weather Patterns…Storm Systems passing through.
The Squeeze  is accurate, of course. But I’ll go on doubting myself everytime I feel it. Cuz I’m a Freak.
Soon it’ll be time to get up and have a Friday…run around getting errands done pretending to be Normal. Phoney. That head squeeze is getting angry…it may be time for a breakfast of meds. Nom nom nom.
But maybe I can hold off; maybe I’m just imagining it all…