There are some sweet remedies for a very weary soul. I often describe my pain as the ocean waves eroding my strength, like waves on the sand of the shore. I lose more and more of myself with each wave…
But today, drinking in this amazing ocean… The sound of waves, the smell of salt, the sea birds, fine white sand everywhere and all over, the vibrant colors of an ocean that goes on and on, the slight sting and coolness of the refreshing saltwater, the warmth of the hot sun on all of my skin. There is a calming. My mind and my heart go very still … drinking in these strong ocean and beach sensations. I can focus my everything on my children…their laughter and their joy as they play together. I catch them when they’re alone and marveling at the newness. I see my daughter as she feels the sand…letting it slip thru her fingers, the fineness of it, the softness. She pats it, swirls it, pinches it, draws in it. I see my son standing on the shore, he continues to watch the waves roll in over his feet. He waits and watches, feeling the cool water and marveling as his feet sink further into the sand with every wave. He’s learning and enjoying the sensations.
This is when my soul is well. Even my head is not hurting today. My SI is another story. But my head is clear. My head is full of the now. Enjoying this precious, miraculous moment…that will never come again. It will pass. But it will be my moment to love and cherish forever.
We don’t have a lot of money. Raising four kids is expensive as hell and I want to give them decent clothes, nourishing food, the best education and opportunities we can afford. I was able to finagle this trip by convincing husband this could be our last family vacation…as Ken goes off to college this year. We drove to Florida, saving money. We booked a Home Away, saving money. My health is also so very expensive. Our insurance is decent and we save all year for the high deductible due at the new year. But so much is NOT covered: my Cefaly, my massages, some of my meds, my oils, my ice packs, my heaters, my trigger point rollers, my migraine glasses, some blood work, some procedures, my cleaning crew, my lost employment, etc and etc. It is expensive being ill. And my whole family pays. I pray the money for this trip shows up or at least doesn’t put us too far into debt. I don’t like to talk money but the obsession about it and the lack of it does consume me with guilt and shame. I hate not ot contributing. I hate not using my skills. I feel so worthless. 😞
But this was not supposed to be about money. It was supposed to be about this amazing moment I can cherish for the rest of my days.❤