Just a Half-Life. Battling, battling, and more battling the pain from my betrayal body. This body that has done miraculous things, strong things, tender things…this body that has felt wondrous things, carried me places, danced and danced and danced to bring me such joy. This body that has grown beautiful babies, birthed them with my own strength – strong and healthy…and then fed and nourished and nutured these babies.
My body has done all those amazing things.
Has it just been exhausted to the point of no return? Have I abused it or not cherished it enough? What have I done? What have I done?
And so now I baby this body… I listen to its every whisper, even nuance. Sometimes I push it…when I’m unsure if it will be able to perform – I consider the saying “mind over matter;” and I push the body, thereby pushing my luck.
I medicate it…so that I can tolerate living with the pain it shoulders on me.
I still try to view it as a temple; a body that can do along things…but it holds me back, it cages my mind. And I Despair that I might never expect it to do any better.
And I just lie there and I suffer and I fight on. I’m so disappointed in myself! I wish I could fake better health …better.
^ My beautiful warrior me…faceless, alone…