There were violent dreams.

I woke at 08:30 with a 10. Blind, paralyzed, barely able to breathe. Somehow moved to get ice and swallow the appropriate medication. 

Then the suffering: just laying so still. Breathing. Force myself to calm and relax. Let the pain just wash over me; let the medicine work. Feel myself in God’s arms.

I finally drifted to some painFUL sleep state.

Woke at 11:30. My head now an 8. Reached for Marc’s hand to hold. Gripped his shoulder. Trying to find some Peace spot. Breathe. Just breathe. Be still; break the Pain cycle. Be still.

After awhile…I woke Marc and asked him for coffee, a yogurt and ice. All those meds need some food in my stomach.

More medication as prescribed. More ice. Coffee. More rest.

13:30 and I’m at a 6. Finally able to look at the weather.

Marc went to work. My kids are home with me. No living today. No Life. Only Migraine. It’s Migraine today…My bed, my ice packs which will try to keep up, my doctor’s orders. I hesitate to speak about medication publicly EVER again…Ever. Since my wonderful sister-in-law accused me publicly of needing an 

inpatient detoxification for medication or migraines

As a person I loved an trusted, she wounded me more than anyone ever has. I thought of her as a sister. How could she? She, who actually has a brother in recovery. And then I wake with a 10 and I can hear her words in my head – the only words through the searing, paralyzing pain. I would NEVER wish this Pain on anyone, ever. But I can’t help but wonder – What would Sue feel like if she woke with a 10 and someone had said those things to her? How would she cope? Would she feel anything? Can she feel anything? Or is she all about wounding others to make herself feel better? What would Sue do with a 10? WWSD? God bless her. Praying He finds a way into her dark heart. Her favorite saying: 

Life is hard, and sometimes harder.

Lol. I may know about that Harder thing. I just may. Maybe I live that Harder thing. Just maybe.

Sometimes people say things so cruel that there is no return. No matter how many times I forgive her for her ignorance and cruelty, there is no coming back. Add to that, her abusing a child…There is nothing but severing the toxicity. God, be with her. Someday may all the self-help books she reads and quotes actually change her soul and heart, in this world or the next.

Living my Migraine day. Just one breath, one step at a time. Sometimes there is more Pain than there are words for.

 

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