Should I have become a mother? What made me think I could be a good one? There’s this small part of me that feels bad about passing down the migraine genetics, but then I also passed down beautiful lips and a great sense of humor and allergies to no foods.
I focus more on the emotional responsibilities. Have I hurt or ruined my children in a million small ways? Will they spend a lifetime trying to recover from the harm I’ve done? There are 2 parts to this: an obsessive inner voice that critisizes everything I do – every interaction or missed interaction, every word spoken or not spoken. But second – there is this larger presence…it sits above and looks down at the whole scene, it is impartial and reasonable and wise (above all, wise)…this presence tsks the smaller obsessive voice: “Don’t be ridiculous. Your children are rockin’! They are healthy (no mental or eating disorders), they are independent, they are kind, they love, they have passion, they know their parents LOVE them.”
Always a struggle between these 2 voices. I’ve been told before that because I question my parenting, it means I’m a better parent than I realize. They said, not-so-good or bad parents don’t question their parenting; they think they’re doing an awesome job. Or they think they’re doing it right. Sometimes when I become obsessive, it’s a sign my Depression is mounting. And that realization has me anxious. Sneak attacks by Depression.
One time my mom and I were driving to Phoenix together. We were discussing my mental health and she said, “I know what your problem is, Donna. You worry too much.” I thought about that. I do worry sometimes…maybe even often. But I told her I don’t think WORRY is my main problem. I told her I thought it was her main problem, but mine was more self deprecation and loathing and guilt. It’s possible I’m wrong about it all. I’ve been wrong before.
The goal of this integrated EMDR is to treat my underlying confusion and hopefully that will in turn help better process my pain. I’m working. Hard.
Also still working on a migraine video project. It’ll probably suck but I’ll be pleased I made the effort to create.
There is more power in being vulnerable and authentic. “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” (Brene Brown)