”It never occurred to me that one day I’d wake up sick and never get better.”
September 26, 2016:
You constantly look back on events: was this the moment? Was this where things went off track? Then you’re face to face with decisions you can no longer ignore, becuz you’re life has become so impacted by this uninvited stranger. Who am I? What’s the most important things in this life? Are there others like me? Do I accept this? Fight? Cry victim? Struggle struggle struggle…fight fight fight…try everything to reclaim the person you once took advantage of being. And there are tears. You thought you knew about tears before… And there is pain – physical and emotional. You thought you knew about pain before… And there is surviving, just moment to moment. Survive; keep breathing, just move forward. And smile. Becuz you can still smile. So do it. Just do it.
She wasn’t bitter. She was sad though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time.
In 2013 on this day I was having my third and final set of infusions at Austin Neurocare… My neuro had ordered them because she wanted to make sure I wasn’t in a migraine rebound. The infusions are Magnesium, Depacote, and a steroid. I remember being very hopeful with the treatment (as I always am). They didn’t really do anything. Infusions have never really helped me and I’ve never been in rebound.
Just feeling a bit overwhelmed today. Loneliness and Aloneness. My friends from Tucson threw a big party for one of our friends turning 50. I was not invited. Sure, it’s been 4 years since I moved away, we are probably growing apart and it’s ok and all. But I also wonder if my Chronic pain advocacy makes me harder to tolerate. Friends don’t know what to do with me. Why would they invite me? 😦 It’s not the same; they think I’ve changed. I’m sure I have. And they just don’t find me as appealing anymore.