Some migraines are so intense that they remind me what migraines really are. It’s like, the other 16 migraines that month were just practice ones, prepping me for the bleeder or a bender that is this one.

Last night I went to sleep feeling wretched. Too wretched to visit with my nephew and his fiance… I hid in my bedroom in my cloud bed, migraine medicated, hot head wrapped in ice, barf bag at the ready. I suspect my RA is flaring as well because every inch of my body ached… I kept heat on my hips and thighs, my calves complained, and my feet were in my ice booties, burning right through the ice. The TV on low, I waited for sleep to come.

It did. Finally. Sweet painless sleep. I dreamed I was at the Migraine Retreat (which I am so excited for and is fast approaching… I dreamt I was meeting new people but concerned that I hadn’t packed anything. Lol).

I woke at 0615 to get the kids up for school. The horribleness of last night was still very much with me, although my head wasn’t as bad – mostly my allergies were out of control. My eyes begging to be clawed out. Spring has sprung. As soon as I could, I went back to bed. Slept. Woke at 1000 with a screamer migraine. Body still flaring. Treated the beast and went back to sleep, worried I had stuff to do today and was not yet able to do any of it.

Woke at 1300. Head still reeling. Body still complaining loudly. And my thinking muddled… it absolutely flips out with so much migraine, so much bleeder, so much bender. It goes there. It questions my sanity, my reality, my concept of migraine. My thinking is more than muddled… it’s tortured. I use that word because I imagine a prisoner being tortured by captors. Apparently there is a point some reach where they will say anything, do anything to make the torture stop. Other captives will “stay strong,” or “go into another place” mentally in order to cope with torture.

Migraine is torture. My body and brain is in prison, trapped. My captor is a relentless torturer and may actually be my own person. Reprieves are brief and never truly reprieves because I am not free, I’m still behind bars, anxiously dreading the restart of the active torture.

This migraine WILL end… eventually. They always do; and I always survive. Time and time again. And I’ll look back when my mind isn’t migraining so intensely… and I’ll be quite shocked to read these ramblings about bleeders. I’ll be shocked and I’ll be sad. It won’t sound like me. It will sound rambling and intense and sad, and it will scare me just a little. Because when I’m not in the bleeder I’m more coherent. I’ll wonder if there are 2 people inhabiting my body. Such a strange, strange thing.