“How are you?”

“I’m fine, how are you?”

But I’m not ‘fine.’ I’m so not ‘fine.’

I am depressed. I am anxious.

My neurological system is hyper stimulated and on rails all the time.

I am hopeful. I am defeated. I am grieving.

I am so tired of being sick and talking about being sick and thinking about being sick.

I am full of tremendous guilt and I question myself, my choices, my thoughts, my reality every hour of every day.

I am angry … at myself and at my illness. I am struggling between acceptance and fighting.

I am so sad and so sorry that I can’t do for myself & others what I used to do. I am so tired … a kind of tired beyond exhaustion and lethargy and extreme fatigue … it’s physical and emotional exhaustion and not even a thousand years of sleep will end the extreme fatigue.

I am broken … physically and mentally. I am so strong and resilient.

I pray, but I don’t know exactly what to pray for. I am closer to God than ever. I am so very alone … lonely in a sea of loved ones and caring people.

I am so so sorry for my shortcomings and for my sickness. I cry … a lot. I laugh … a lot.

I can’t go on. I just cannot. I will never give up. I am envious and reminiscent. I dream. I focus on the each moment and remember to love and be present. I am overwhelmed and confused.

I’m hungry. I’m overweight. I’m nauseous.

I am in pain all the time … simmering pain to unimaginable pain.

I feel betrayed. I am grateful this is happening to me, instead of another.

I am a mess. Most times, I have no energy to care for myself and my life.

I am tired of seeing piles of laundry that I can’t take care of …and dirty dishes …and dirty floors …and messy closets …and dust …and clutter that I can’t possibly tackle. I am shackled. I’m a prisoner.

I’ve grown roots into my bed. The only place I can rest is my bed. My bed used to be my happy place. And now it is my life sentence. I cannot move. I can stretch my roots, my body parts, but I stay here in fitful recline.

I hate pills. I hate medicine. I am so tired of swallowing pills. I owe the small reminent of my active life to medicines.

I hate my body, brain and head.
I am so tired. I am so unbelievably tired. Every cell of my body aches or hurts or stings or throbs or burns.

My soul feels like the seaside, every wave of the ocean takes a little more of me out to sea. I’m chipped away a piece at a time. I’m naked and exposed and deformed and horrifying and ugly. I am a shell of a person. Just a carcass. I am infinity. My soul is everywhere.

I don’t know how I’ll go on. I rally. I put one foot in front of the other. I smile. I’m totally ‘fine.’

#ChronicMigraine #ChronicIllness #invisibleillness #speakyourmigraine #ChronicPain

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