mybeautifulmigraine

Have been thinking a lot. Maybe obsessing. Not ready to write my feelings down yet. Not sure what they are.

My head has been meh – not too bad, not pain-free but not demanding all my attention. My back has been bothering me – not too bad, definitely hurting but not demanding all my attention. I’m fat and flabby and tired. And it’s really hot and disgusting. 

Trying to rest and recover from week-long houseguests (absolutely overwhelming and waaay outside my abilities), a head injury on Friday, my friend with breast cancer (and the millions of conflicting/confusing emotions and thoughts with that)…then there’s my illnesses…and adjusting to whatever life I’m supposed to be living. And my biz, which I love and suck at.

I’m confused. I’m overwhelmed. I’m disappointed in myself. I’m in chaos. And alone. I’m breathing but I can’t catch my breath and the air is stale and close. Blah blah blah blah. Snore.

Getting lost in smokey eye sounds therapeutic. 

Sometimes I can be a real shit.

So caught up in myself; so caught up in my pain…in the life of a chronic migraineur…my life and struggle, that I disregard another’s struggle. I’m a flawed human. I claim to be so empathetic when I’m really envious. Flaw. Sin.

I think I made a discovery about myself today. It’s time to stop making it all about Migraines and my daily struggle. There are other horrible things; others enduring pain and suffering. Yes, I’m an advocate for CM and RA and chronic invisible illness but sometimes I might be needed as a friend.

Someone said to me today, “She really misses you. She talks about you all the time.”

God, I’m so so sorry. How could I be so blind? And so hyperfocused on myself?

​A Half Life.

A Life of Moments.

Don’t think too much.

Stop blaming yourself.

Stop feeling Guilty.

You didn’t cause this – you don’t have that power.

Stop feeling like a Burden.

Stop feeling like a Freak.
But I cannot stop thinking or feeling.

It is all I have…in this Half Life of Moments.
I have my Guilt, I have my Shame…

And it is a Mighty Feast for one.
And my family…my greatest blessing…

My reason for living, for moving, for continuing to Breathe.

I am told they would not be better off without me. I am told that. I am asked, “Can’t you see that?”

And I’m afraid I cannot.
They deserve Freedom from the great weight that holds them down, requires their care.

They deserve so much more.
They deserve a Whole Life.