Trying to work today…

1. Migraine…Fucking Migraine… Cough is on a violent streak, sacroiliac is angry, RA is flaring. There’s this crushing tension in my neck … Probably from the ONB.

This is Life. I got up today. I tried to live. I’m so exhausted and tired of fighting.

Struggled getting the Maxalt out of the blister pack. At the point in the story where I don’t want another pill or shot or anything. I just want it over. Tears…Tears…More tears. And more coughing.

And now… Time for very cold ice and my bed.

There were violent dreams.

I woke at 08:30 with a 10. Blind, paralyzed, barely able to breathe. Somehow moved to get ice and swallow the appropriate medication. 

Then the suffering: just laying so still. Breathing. Force myself to calm and relax. Let the pain just wash over me; let the medicine work. Feel myself in God’s arms.

I finally drifted to some painFUL sleep state.

Woke at 11:30. My head now an 8. Reached for Marc’s hand to hold. Gripped his shoulder. Trying to find some Peace spot. Breathe. Just breathe. Be still; break the Pain cycle. Be still.

After awhile…I woke Marc and asked him for coffee, a yogurt and ice. All those meds need some food in my stomach.

More medication as prescribed. More ice. Coffee. More rest.

13:30 and I’m at a 6. Finally able to look at the weather.

Marc went to work. My kids are home with me. No living today. No Life. Only Migraine. It’s Migraine today…My bed, my ice packs which will try to keep up, my doctor’s orders. I hesitate to speak about medication publicly EVER again…Ever. Since my wonderful sister-in-law accused me publicly of needing an 

inpatient detoxification for medication or migraines

As a person I loved an trusted, she wounded me more than anyone ever has. I thought of her as a sister. How could she? She, who actually has a brother in recovery. And then I wake with a 10 and I can hear her words in my head – the only words through the searing, paralyzing pain. I would NEVER wish this Pain on anyone, ever. But I can’t help but wonder – What would Sue feel like if she woke with a 10 and someone had said those things to her? How would she cope? Would she feel anything? Can she feel anything? Or is she all about wounding others to make herself feel better? What would Sue do with a 10? WWSD? God bless her. Praying He finds a way into her dark heart. Her favorite saying: 

Life is hard, and sometimes harder.

Lol. I may know about that Harder thing. I just may. Maybe I live that Harder thing. Just maybe.

Sometimes people say things so cruel that there is no return. No matter how many times I forgive her for her ignorance and cruelty, there is no coming back. Add to that, her abusing a child…There is nothing but severing the toxicity. God, be with her. Someday may all the self-help books she reads and quotes actually change her soul and heart, in this world or the next.

Living my Migraine day. Just one breath, one step at a time. Sometimes there is more Pain than there are words for.

💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉

There is a possibility the Candasartan I’m on for migraine prevention is causing the cough. I started taking it 5/2015. The chronic cough started​ 10 or 11/2015. I do not think Candasartan does shit for my prevention of migraines but Neuros love love their migraineurs on plenty of preventatives. Mariah was a bit cross today, saying: “Why didn’t pulmo think of taking you off Candasartan before?” …And I’m thinking: Mariah prescribes it; why didn’t she think of taking me off it before?? Anyway, Mariah also wants to have a regular appt where we take stock of meds, treatments, etc. So I scheduled that for later this month. And she wants me to start getting vitamin B shots monthly at the office for my MTHFR+ gene thing. There was some confusion about my Tizanidine as well…After 7 years of 4-8mg qd, she wants me on 4mg qd only. Whatever. That’s like the least of my problems. 

I felt scolded. But I know I was not, and it’s just me obsessing. I’m disturbed by the realization that this may be as good as it gets: my mood, my migraine, my cough, my pain, my life. This is not how it was supposed to be.

My head is hot. Needs ice. Rest. Hoping the occipital nerve blocks do not trigger more migraine. The weather has been brutal.

My prayers go out to all those hurting, struggling, working hard to get better.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

P.S. And those who want to give me shit, can fuck themselves. Have a nice day😊

No pictures of the following appt – psych NP. That’s always a fun one. Megan was great today and she’s transferring her practice but promises the only change for me will be location of office. I can’t handle loss of docs. I’ve been thru it too much.

Migraine today. Weather. Pathologic Lethargy. Came home and crashed. Children home from school and time to take Nick to music lessons.

I’ve made dinner. They can all eat while I go to bed. Nauseous and hurting. Yay.

Most interesting was as a relaxed with my eyes closed, I was sure I was hearing pouring rain outside the building when the bowl tones would quiet. At the end of the session I was shocked that it had not rained at all! Those bowls…They seem to create their own sounds. The tones were very loud and intense; my whole body reverberated and hummed. It was difficult for me to remember to breathe at times.

I love this and can relate so well. I thought I was so alone. It changed my life in 2014 to know others were struggling with the same disorder. I was no longer alone; I didn’t have to hide; I wasn’t the only freak.

Recently I invited a friend (who struggles with migraine) into a Facebook migraine support group. She was horrified at the thought: “I know I’m suffering but I don’t want to be a part of any group like that…It feels like AA!”

Everyone copes in their own way.
https://migraine.com/living-migraine/why-you-should-tell-your-story/?utm_source=weekly&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=170301&uuid=91184c4408863bacf39ea72bb1c38532