Today I woke up at 08:30. My eyes just opened on their own – no alarm. My sacroiliac was troubling so I thought to take my medicine to get on top of the pain. I can just reach over to my mini pharma night table and grab my dose and sip of water. Settle back and let it work.
I climbed out of bed at about 09:15, disentangling myself from king-size heating pad cords. It’s Sunday, Mother’s Day. I don’t have anywhere to go, but I got out of bed anyway. Because I could. I felt “okay.” Internal body scans revealed most trouble areas were in check.
And because I was okay, I went into the kitchen and fed the dogs. And then, because I could, I cleaned up the kitchen: counters, dishes, appliances – everything was left the night before at the usual level of mess. It was my son’s job to clean up and he did – mostly. About 75% of the job is where my family helpers tend to tap out.
I was still okay, so I made coffee. I looked for a few things I’d need today because my other son and his wife are coming over later. I put them aside for them. And then I took a shower. Because I was “okay.”
My daughter came down to feed her cat. She was cheerful and happy to hear I felt okay but didn’t wish me a happy mother’s day. This did make me smile. Lol. It’s not a holiday my husband has put much effort into ever, so I just basically celebrate myself this day. And that’s alright… because everyday is Mother’s Day! And the relationships I have with my children are as sweet and fulfilling as I could ever dream. I love them with my whole heart… I love who they are – exactly who they are – right down to their annoying habits; I have no expectations on who they should be – I love them. I support them. I want them to find themselves and find their passion and happiness – to give and to receive. And they do not have to do anything but be themselves to overflow my happiness cup.
I’ve consciously (and with the help of years of therapy) decided to shed the baggage I carried for years because of my own mother’s inability to understand love and relationships and enjoy this holiday. To her, it was an annual nightmare of tremendous hopes dashed and expectations never ever met. And we were taught it was our celebration shortcomings that made her feel like shit on this day honoring Mothers. She could see other mothers happy and she wanted that. But she couldn’t figure out how to attain it. Never realizing the key was just gratitude. Not a parade, not a dinner or party, not a special gift, not a certain card… none of that could give her what she already had but could never see or feel.
And why should I carry her baggage? Good lord! I have my own luggage to shoulder and Mother’s Day disappointments is NOT one of them! No, thank you!
After my shower I got dressed… no need to lie down and rest in bed. I was okay… and I got myself a cup of coffee and wished myself a Happy Mother’s Day.
Happy Mother’s Day to me!
And to all the Mothers!
Before making up and drying my hair, I decided this “okay” is SO significant that I should check my logs to see when this has happened before.
• Sept 9 and 17, 2019 I also woke up feeling “okay.”
•Before that, it was May 20, 2019 that I woke up feeling “okay.”
That means I’ve had four days in a year waking up feeling “okay.”
That’s pretty significant. When I wake up feeling okay, it brings it home how BAD I feel almost everyday. Most days I cannot get out of bed until after noon. I cannot clean. Every move is a burden. I am literally too sick to function like a human being. I feel 84, not my spry 48 years. Yes, it’s a lot of pain. But it’s a lot of fatigue, lethargy, aching, brain fog, severe malaise, and more.
So I’m sipping my coffee, applying makeup and my feelings are ping-ponging. I’m so •ecstatic to be feeling okay… to have a modicum of actual energy and symptoms under control. I’m also so •validated: alllll those days… they aren’t something I’ve made-up, they aren’t my imagination, they aren’t related to a diet, a supplement or anything I can consciously change… that AWFULNESS is REAL. And that brings some relief to know I’m not crazy… or doing this to myself. Then, the other emotion I have is •sadness: so much SADNESS… 4 days feeling “okay” (please note that I definitely do not feel good – just “okay”)… 4 days in 365 days. How does anyone even conceive about that level of illness, when much of the time, I can pull off looking Normal?
I’m reminded of the great love story in Pirates of the Caribbean… Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan… they finally marry but Will is cursed to become the new mythical Davy Jones of the Sea. He can only come ashore and reunite with his love, Elizabeth a single day each decade.
Of course… that may be a little overdramatic in comparison. Lol. But as I’m applying eye shadow, I’m thinking of all the incredible things I could do with more “okay” days. I could organize and keep our house clean, read more books, and write more – of my novel, novellas, advocacy work, volunteer for the high school theatre department (they need a part time director), maybe even work a little as a nurse – a phone pediatric triage nurse or a substitute nurse for the schools? I could cook more, exercise more – oh I’d love to take a yoga class! Yoga is my shizzle! I could take the dogs for walks in our darling neighborhood – everyday!
I could garden – I was good with herbs, jasmine and roses. I could plan more events with friends. We could do a family game night every week! How awesome would that be?!
And then… I’m sad again… thinking of all I’m missing in my family’s life. Thinking of the mother my kids are missing, and the wife my husband is missing. They deserve so much more than I can give. I drag them down. Down to Davy Jones’ Locker.
I don’t like to lose my shiny optimism, but it is worth noting that just because I woke up “okay,” it doesn’t mean the reprieve will last all day. Although I do wonder if perhaps my Botox for Chronic Migraine (4/30) and my last Humira dose (5/8) are working and helping me out to “okay-ness?”
Days have a habit of turning on a dime or spiraling downward like tumbling a great long staircase. Tonight may be ice crowns, hot head, screaming piriformis and phenergan. There is no way of knowing – just frequent experience. So for now… I’ll just have my second cup of coffee at noon, make myself some breakfast and enjoy each moment of “okay.”
#ChronicMigraine #MigraineAwareness #SpeakYourMigraine #ChronicMigraineMother #MothersDay #PainWarrior #Lovemykids