^ why does this image affect me so? So many many times I’ve believed completely that the world would be better off without me. So many times I’ve contemplated ending my life.

Put a Christmas Eve together.

Woke early…A little biz video…Got to nail spa. By the time I got home, the weather and midcycle hormones were murdering my brain.

Murder. Meds. Ice. Heater for back. Back to bed. Marc was amazing – getting the kitchen cleaned etc.

We were able to put appetizers together (our typical Christmas Eve dinner). We got to Lakeway Church with Courtney. Oh man, so so loud. Almost rock concert loud. Really nice service. Silent night with candlelight❤ The best.

I thought – there was a part of me that missed having my parents here. And a bigger part of me that felt guilty for enjoying not having my parents here. What does that all mean? No idea.

At home, we snacked, opened new matching PJs and stockings. Marc and I – our first year having stockings ❤

So much Owie. To bed.

Often Chronic Migraineurs have tried many different triptan medications before finding their “favorite.” Meaning, it seems to work the best for their individual needs.

There are side effects with triptans. Myself, I get side effects ranging from anxiety, “neuro-jitteriness,” fatigue, or a “heavy feeling” in my chest and limbs.Best case scenario, they work and you feel better in 30 min. Worse case, your migraine does not respond to the expensive little med and you’re stuck with symptoms.

There are even some Migraineurs who cannot take triptans (either due to side effects, med or diagnosis contraindications, or allergy). This means the entire drug class is absent for their migraine treatment, limiting them tremendously. 😔

One of the biggest noises about triptans is the threat of Serotonin Syndrome* (extremely rare) since they work on the serotonin receptors. If you combine triptans with other serotonin receptor medications, the risk of SS increases. Triptans are also offenders of Rebound or Medication Overuse Headache. It is recommended not to exceed 3-4 triptans a week. Insurance companies are very limiting on triptans as well, allowing only a handful of the shiny little pills a month (I can get 9 rizatriptan a month, generic for Maxalt). Obviously, if Chronic Migraine is defined as 15 or more migraines a month, there is a big problem with relying completely on triptans to treat CM.

Today in Austin, TX, the weather is total crap: rainy, overcast, cedar and mold allergens. Verily, it is trying it’s best to make my head implode.
*Serotonin syndrome (SS) is a group of symptoms that may occur following use of certain serotonergic medications or drugs. The degree of symptoms can range from mild to severe. Symptoms include high body temperature, agitation, increased reflexes, tremor, sweating, dilated pupils, and diarrhea. (Wikipedia)

Marc and I made a Holiday Open House last night! It was fun…Great food, champagne, new people at the home of our house builder realtor, Holly.

Grit teeth, take medicine, makeup, hair, outfit. Don’t second guess. Don’t think too much. Stay in the moment. And go! Savor it.

Pushed myself hard for it and so happy we did. It’s 10:50 am the next day and I haven’t been able to get out of bed.

Happy Holidays! #ChronicallyChristmas

It’s not a test.

It’s just Migraine. It’s only pain.

Pain ends; Love is Everlasting.

It tries to kill you…It never will.

Just. Stay fucking strong.

Burning in my right temple, above my right eye. Ice it and make sleep come. Sleep all night to wake for another migraine. It’s only another Migraine. Stay fucking strong.

Is my Life recognizable? There was a time it wasn’t like this… But I can’t remember how it felt. How did it feel when my head was not glass – all the time, ready to shatter, every small change a major assault to the nervous system.

I am smaller, less significant, weird, freakish, so tired, so embarrassed.

I speak a different language than I used to. I am sad. I am alone… And still alive. 

There is this subhuman culture; we exist somewhere between shadows and death. 

Shhhh. Peace be with you. Don’t stray too close to the shadows.

Open the cage. Please let me be free.

Dr Bunch liked her little gift: an RA awareness ribbon pin💜💙

She said my joints felt good and she was happy the Humira seemed to be helping. I can decrease my methotrexate! Hooray! All things considered, I do think my joints feel better than they did this time last year.😃

She had already received the CT chest scan results…clear and normal! Of course! So my cough is just interested in a long-term relationship with me.💜 Friends.💜

Cool and drizzly today. My head is “doing it.” But the kids come home early from school so we can cuddle and watch movies. Ken and Courtney are off to Dallas tomorrow for the LTHS state game! Woot!

The weather is crap again. I feel like my jaw could use some Serapin…my ear is starting to bother me and that’s usually the indicator. Despite the weather, my head was decent. 

Until the ONB/TPI. Then I started to slip downhill. Cedar is out and mold. And my cough is stupid annoying. 

After injections I gritted my teeth and drove to Costco. Braved the holiday traffic. We were in such need of Costco restocking. I spent almost $400 and the cart was ridiculous overflowing.

I really really hate #MyLifeAtCostco and I’m sure it’s just about the worst job of mommy’ing. I really was unprepared for the marathon manual labor that mommy’ing would mean. I load the car. Drive carefully…think about the tragedy at Sweetwater last week when the dump truck trapped, crushed and killed an AT&T cable guy. Horrifying.

After Costco, it’s a quick drop off eBay at the post. Everything everywhere is congested with holiday traffic and craziness. At least some people make it fun. I loved learning to enjoy strangers while living in AZ. Make friends. Enjoy life. Scatter joy and smiles.😃

Unfortunately, Ken is still sleeping when I get home so I unload the car without help. Sux. Later he apologizes sweetly. Jerk.

Now I can rest. Crazy busy active life.

Always.

​There is this phenomenon, this neurological disorder called Chronic Migraines. A huge percent of the world population experiences episodic migraines, only about 1-2% of these people become chronic. It’s an unlucky card to draw. They don’t really understand or even research WHY this happens.

Chronic is considered 15 or more migraines a month for at least three months. 

My mother had migraines too. And they improved tremendously when she went thru menopause. Unfortunately, the scientific data does not show the same trend once you become a chronic migraineur. Usually there is little to no change once you hit menopause. 

I was diagnosed with chronic migraines in 2007/8 when I lived in Arizona (one of the most stable weather places in the world). I’ve had little to no change since moving to Texas. Although I am careful – very careful – to treat my environmental allergies every day so they don’t exacerbate my migraines. 

I did not fully comprehend the life sentence of “chronic” for very many years. It’s a shitty card to draw. And I believe we should be living in a world where not one person has a single migraine ever.

(((💜❤💜)))

Today is CHRISTMAS! Update from her husband:

1. Small lump palpated, biopsied and diagnosed in March. Port implanted. Six months of chemo. Very difficult. But so much support: meal train, GoFundMe, fund raisers, donations galore (such an adored family). She was brave and soldiered on thru weekly chemo. 
2. Now, surgery today and home tonight. Chemo killed the cancer. And now Erika will get a gorgeous new rack that won’t try to kill her! 💗
3. This page in her history book is coming to a close and positive outcome. God is great!