https://themighty.com/2016/09/suicide-prevention-reasons-to-keep-living-ikeptliving/

First, I kept living because I was nursing my baby girl. She needed me.

Later, I kept living because there was no way I could subject my wonderful husband and amazing children to finding my lifeless body.

Now, I realize that even tho I feel like a burden to them and a waste of space, they cannot collect on my life insurance.

I need to keep living. I need to believe it will get better. I need to believe that no matter how useless I feel, I am a decent mother to them and I cannot saddle them with the stigma and burden that their mother took her own life. I can’t do that to them. I have to keep trying. I can’t stop. I need to keep living, loving, laughing. I must. 

http://www.TheDivaDonna.com
A biz I can work from bed. Of course, I can’t do it all that well. I lack the ability to hustle, hustle like a Normal. But I’m dancing as fast as I can. And ridiculously passionate about this product. Younique has swept me off my feet… Chemical-free, hypoallergenic, mineral-based and long-lasting. I love being able to look pretty good even when I feel like burnt toast. I also am passionate about making women look and feel confident …it’s the best feeling in the world. My therapist says it’s the RN in me practicing her craft. 🙂 It’s true. 🙂

​Those of us who have rheumatoid arthritis tend to be quite familiar with the standard laundry list of symptoms associated with this condition, like pain, joint swelling, andfatigue. Living with these symptoms every day can be quite frustrating. There are also a lot of other symptoms we experience that aren’t discussed as often, yet their impact can be significant. We asked our Facebook Community to tell us what their most unusual or frustrating symptoms are, and here’s what they had to say!

I struggle with fatigueI’m tired all the time

• I have trouble with sleeplessness
• I can’t sleep
• I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep well

My vision is problematic

• I have issues with my retinas and floaters in my eyes
• I have dry eyes
• I see lights when I turn my head
• I have eye pain
• My eyes are sore, watery, and blurry
• My eye sockets hurt and I have very blurry vision at times
• I have inflammation in my eyes

My emotions and my cognitive problems can get the best of me

• I struggle with depression
• I hate that I never know how I’m going to feel
• I feel like I have brain fog
• I hate how unpredictable it is
• People just don’t understand, and they think I’m lazy or that I’m acting like a child
• It’s so difficult not knowing how I’m going to feel from day to day
• I really lack mental clarity
• People assume I’m lazy because I move slowly

I have trouble with my mouth and throat

• I struggle with dry mouth
• I have trouble swallowing
• My eyes, mouth, and ears are very dry
• My throat is always sore
• I have trouble with my jaw feeling tight and painful
• When I talk, my jaw gets tight

It’s like I have the flu

• I feel like I have the flu, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
• I get fevers
• Every day, it’s like I have a horrible case of the flu

My mobility is troublesome

• I hate that I can’t function like healthy people do
• I can’t hold on to things and it drives me crazy
• I can’t walk well
• My toes and ankles just ache
• My balance is just off
• My dexterity has deteriorated
• My legs get numb
• Walking is so painful
• I wish I could wear shoes without my feet hurting

My internal organs suffer due to my RA

• I have an increased heart rate
• I have awful heart palpitations and I become breathless very easily
• I have both heart and lung disease as a direct result of my RA
• I have lung issues, including ground glass opacity and costochondritis
• I have dizzy spells and pass out
• I have a lot of chest pain
• My vitamin D levels are low
• I have nodules on my lungs
• My white blood cell count is high
• I get a lot of bruising
• I have significant hair loss

I have joint issues that aren’t the standard ones associated with RA

• My collarbone is constantly in pain
• I have severe tendinitis in both of my forearms
• I have tendinitis in my ankles
• I have carpal tunnel syndrome
• I have RA of the lumbar spine
• I have sacroiliac joint dysfunction
• I have inflammation and swelling after just 20 minutes of work or being exposed to heat

I have other unusual symptoms

• My skin becomes blackened in different areas, which looks like bruising
• I have skin nodules
• I get bruising and bleeding under my skin when I’m flaring
• I have nodules in my feet that create callouses
• I get frequent bug bites
• I have certain food intolerances

****

Word for word… Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction. And my docs are insistent that my RA and SIJD are NOT related! Even tho the RA was diagnosed summer 2013 and SIJD was diagnosed in the very beginning of 2014.

This is not what I grew up with …and I pray everyday I can be this kind of mother to my precious children. Am I too influenced by what I experienced and saw? It drives me to tears of fear almost everyday. And I pray I have not damaged them. So much Guilt, like a heavy cloak I wear everyday.

They are there own perfect people, not mine to own. Only mine to take care of and teach for a short time.

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children: Roots, to know where home is and Wings, to fly off and practice what has been taught them.

Just a Half-Life. Battling, battling, and more battling the pain from my betrayal body. This body that has done miraculous things, strong things, tender things…this body that has felt wondrous things, carried me places, danced and danced and danced to bring me such joy. This body that has grown beautiful babies, birthed them with my own strength – strong and healthy…and then fed and nourished and nutured these babies.

My body has done all those amazing things.

Has it just been exhausted to the point of no return? Have I abused it or not cherished it enough? What have I done? What have I done?

And so now I baby this body… I listen to its every whisper, even nuance. Sometimes I push it…when I’m unsure if it will be able to perform – I consider the saying “mind over matter;” and I push the body, thereby pushing my luck. 

I medicate it…so that I can tolerate living with the pain it shoulders on me. 

I still try to view it as a temple; a body that can do along things…but it holds me back, it cages my mind. And I Despair that I might never expect it to do any better.

And I just lie there and I suffer and I fight on. I’m so disappointed in myself! I wish I could fake better health …better.

^ My beautiful warrior me…faceless, alone…

^ Alone

Today was Radiofrequency Nerve Ablation for the right lumbar/sacral side. Hopefully this will help with my chronic lumbar/sacroiliac dysfunction. I go back for the left side in a few weeks. I’m told it usually feels worse before it gets better, so I’m home in bed now. I can feel the burning starting in that whole right side.
I was very nervous this being the first time for this procedure and sedation.

They were so incredibly kind at the surgical center; so incredibly kind. While being wheeled back to OR, I told them I was getting a bad migraine with pain and nausea from the storms and the nurse anesthetist popped 2 meds in my IV which immediately helped. Then she said, “I’m going to put you to sleep now.” I opened my mouth to tell her she didn’t need to, but the words never came out – and I was waking in recovery.

There, I started balling my eyes out telling all the staff they were the most caring people in the world and thanking them profusely. I was also concerned: “Was I an ok patient? Did I wake up ok? Was I mean? Did I need a lot of O2?” Crying crying crying. “The NA gave me meds for my migraine – wasn’t that the nicest thing ever?”

I think I had the staff nearly falling over with laughter. Lmao.

They gave me 3 juices!!!💜 Marc started laughing when he heard I was crying with gratefulness.  #goober He told them he wasn’t a bit surprised, “She’s always like this.” Lol!!!💜

I absolutely never ask for help, such as a ride or someone to take and wait for me. But I will honestly admit, it was a great comfort having Marc there.
So that’s my big day.😆 Thanks for listening.😆