I haven’t been sleeping well. And I’m having ~15-20 hot flashes a day and night. But when I woke this morning, my head was not in excruciating pain! Hooray. I’m walking around with a 4-5 head and angry back @6-7. My back has been spasming everyday. A sensation very unusual.

But I’m living today! Some energy, lower pain…running errands, working on taxes, prepping dinner, doing laundry, etc. Living. 

This is me living. Moving around my sunlit beautiful home…

I checked the dining room window rose bushes. It appears mockingbirds have rebuilt their neat from last year. I think I can see 2 little eggs!

CT scan for sinuses Friday. GYN appt to discuss hormone levels (hot flashes) Friday. Cleaners and hair appt tomorrow. Walk w neighbor Jill on Wednesday! Counseling, Thursday. I will LIVE this week.

Another 8-9 this morning. I can’t believe this shit. It’s killing me. I have to throw everything at it. I was able to get up at 3. Shower. Do some work at 5. And pain returns.

Christy mentioned something quite innocently…Maybe the candasartan WAS helping.😭😭😭 Geezuz Mary and Joseph…Just my fucking luck. Having said that, my cough was a bit better today. Loose and not as frequent. No violent spells.

I’ve decided to start Plexus with my friend Toni. It’s been about 2 years since my last nutritional supplement fail (Juice Plus). Toni wants some real data from me for my migraines…But I NEED to get some of this Prozac weight off. That evil stuff. So I’ll pink drink. She is offering it to me for no charge, if I like it and want to continue…She will let me pay. 🙂

And then…An email came in from a family member…

Ah, the green smoothie migraine cure. I haven’t seen this one in a couple months. Yay. Thanks. 

I KNOW she means well. I know they ALL mean well…Their suggestions come from a place of concern and love. But I wonder…Do they really think this:

Can be fixed with a green smoothie? Would they send such a pin to someone paralyzed? Someone who’d lost a limb? Do they not think for one moment?

Migraine is a neurological genetic disorder. Green smoothies don’t fix it. Wouldn’t one of my myriad of specialists have mentioned this?

I made a graphic a year or so ago:

Aaaaaaaaand look who’s at the list top? Green Smoothie!

Cupping tonight for kicks…Ya never know…

Woke with an 8. I hate medicine. I’d like to throw it all in the toilet.

Yesterday was better. Today I’m blind. The sky is full of clouds. There’s a knife wedged into the left side of my brain. I can think and see at 20% capacity. I wanna hurl, alternating sweating and chills. Any movement increases symptoms by 50%. But the medicines need to work…They HAVE to work…I have people relying on me; I’ve made commitments to those I love. 

Chronic Migraine is so stupid and pointless. It’s 2017 and they haven’t figured out a way to stop migraine. Botox in 2.5 weeks. The last 2 weeks before Botox (#BotoxBabes for Migraine) are always so painful. Welcome to the little pain cage of hell that is my head.

Breathe…Find that inner strength and peace. That quiet, stillness, feel the love around me. Keep breathing. Pain ends.

***

Got it under some control and took Robyn to the movies (Beauty and the Beast). I can feel it still there…Deep in my head. 

But I have promises to keep.

And miles to go before I sleep.

And miles to go before I sleep.

We got froyo after and went home. Ran an errand to a friend’s house. Harder to think. Harder to drive. Harder to concentrate. The pain…I can still feel it. It makes me clench and distracts my thoughts. I’m coughing today. But it’s loose and less violent.

Marc worked from home today. He’s finished his deadline at work and has put in so many weekend hours. He took the boys to Logan. And is arranging for pizza tonight.

It’s after 6. I’m in bed with ice. Ken needs a haircut.

Chronic Migraine is dumb.

My babies’ kindergarten hand prints. Love them. They are my life.❤❤❤❤

Creating “art” from my bed gives me some purpose.

The Bluebonnets are starting to bloom. And just like that – I feel Hope. 

There really is nothing like Bluebonnet season until you’ve experienced it in Texas.😍 

I feel some hope with my chronic cough now that I’ve seen the ENT we have a plan. I feel hope with my body now that I’m just accepting I am a bigger girl and still beautiful. I feel a tiny, tiny sprint of productivity now that I’m going through my closet to organize and purge. 

So there is some Hope springing. Also, today for the first time in many days, my head is at an acceptable pain level where I don’t need a triptan breakfast. And that is something amazing. Right there. Amazing. 

I live a secret life not many Normal people could imagine. But there are more of us than you realize. Just trying to live.

But I went out this morning with Robyn for her dermatologist appt…Migraine in all its glory. Can you see it?

My morning Facebook post:

Wicked bad migraine this morning. I was lucky my new specialist appt wasn’t until 10:20 so I could get some control over it. My back spasmed again. That’s 3 days in a row – a debilitating sudden spasm from out of the blue. Special.

Esther Cheung Phillips remembered Marc when I reminded her. She was so great. She is one of the kindest docs I know. Plan in place that I’m happy about for this chronic cough. Nasal laryngoscopy done – oh what fun! Positive attitude 👍👍👍 Of course I cried a little with her. A year and a half of Cough Hell has made me emotionally fragile.

Kids off on spring break. I hope to do something with them. And not be a complete #LoserMom. My friend took her family to San Antonio for the day Sunday and the kids to Marble Falls famous pie house for 3/14 pi day. Wow. In our case, Corey and Nick are working on their laundry and I’ve got beef in the crockpot for dinner. Marc works everyday (even the weekends) as his project deadline is fast approaching.

Trying to work today…

1. Migraine…Fucking Migraine… Cough is on a violent streak, sacroiliac is angry, RA is flaring. There’s this crushing tension in my neck … Probably from the ONB.

This is Life. I got up today. I tried to live. I’m so exhausted and tired of fighting.

Struggled getting the Maxalt out of the blister pack. At the point in the story where I don’t want another pill or shot or anything. I just want it over. Tears…Tears…More tears. And more coughing.

And now… Time for very cold ice and my bed.

There were violent dreams.

I woke at 08:30 with a 10. Blind, paralyzed, barely able to breathe. Somehow moved to get ice and swallow the appropriate medication. 

Then the suffering: just laying so still. Breathing. Force myself to calm and relax. Let the pain just wash over me; let the medicine work. Feel myself in God’s arms.

I finally drifted to some painFUL sleep state.

Woke at 11:30. My head now an 8. Reached for Marc’s hand to hold. Gripped his shoulder. Trying to find some Peace spot. Breathe. Just breathe. Be still; break the Pain cycle. Be still.

After awhile…I woke Marc and asked him for coffee, a yogurt and ice. All those meds need some food in my stomach.

More medication as prescribed. More ice. Coffee. More rest.

13:30 and I’m at a 6. Finally able to look at the weather.

Marc went to work. My kids are home with me. No living today. No Life. Only Migraine. It’s Migraine today…My bed, my ice packs which will try to keep up, my doctor’s orders. I hesitate to speak about medication publicly EVER again…Ever. Since my wonderful sister-in-law accused me publicly of needing an 

inpatient detoxification for medication or migraines

As a person I loved an trusted, she wounded me more than anyone ever has. I thought of her as a sister. How could she? She, who actually has a brother in recovery. And then I wake with a 10 and I can hear her words in my head – the only words through the searing, paralyzing pain. I would NEVER wish this Pain on anyone, ever. But I can’t help but wonder – What would Sue feel like if she woke with a 10 and someone had said those things to her? How would she cope? Would she feel anything? Can she feel anything? Or is she all about wounding others to make herself feel better? What would Sue do with a 10? WWSD? God bless her. Praying He finds a way into her dark heart. Her favorite saying: 

Life is hard, and sometimes harder.

Lol. I may know about that Harder thing. I just may. Maybe I live that Harder thing. Just maybe.

Sometimes people say things so cruel that there is no return. No matter how many times I forgive her for her ignorance and cruelty, there is no coming back. Add to that, her abusing a child…There is nothing but severing the toxicity. God, be with her. Someday may all the self-help books she reads and quotes actually change her soul and heart, in this world or the next.

Living my Migraine day. Just one breath, one step at a time. Sometimes there is more Pain than there are words for.

💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉

There is a possibility the Candasartan I’m on for migraine prevention is causing the cough. I started taking it 5/2015. The chronic cough started​ 10 or 11/2015. I do not think Candasartan does shit for my prevention of migraines but Neuros love love their migraineurs on plenty of preventatives. Mariah was a bit cross today, saying: “Why didn’t pulmo think of taking you off Candasartan before?” …And I’m thinking: Mariah prescribes it; why didn’t she think of taking me off it before?? Anyway, Mariah also wants to have a regular appt where we take stock of meds, treatments, etc. So I scheduled that for later this month. And she wants me to start getting vitamin B shots monthly at the office for my MTHFR+ gene thing. There was some confusion about my Tizanidine as well…After 7 years of 4-8mg qd, she wants me on 4mg qd only. Whatever. That’s like the least of my problems. 

I felt scolded. But I know I was not, and it’s just me obsessing. I’m disturbed by the realization that this may be as good as it gets: my mood, my migraine, my cough, my pain, my life. This is not how it was supposed to be.

My head is hot. Needs ice. Rest. Hoping the occipital nerve blocks do not trigger more migraine. The weather has been brutal.

My prayers go out to all those hurting, struggling, working hard to get better.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

P.S. And those who want to give me shit, can fuck themselves. Have a nice day😊